#25- Anxiety & a Lesson Learned From a Cup of Chocolate Milk

One of the most challenging aspects of shidduchim is the unknown. We don’t know when our yeshua will come. Will it be in two weeks, two years, two months…. And not knowing is a highly unsettling feeling.

I once heard a great analogy. If someone is experiencing a terrible toothache, once they arrive at the dentist’s office, & sit down in the dentist’s chair, suddenly their pain doesn’t feel as intense. Why? Because they know that in a few minutes, their pain will dissipate! They’re at the dentist’s office! Although right now they may be in agony, knowing that in a few minutes, it will all be over makes it that much easier to bear.

With Shidduchim, it’s different. We don’t know when our yeshuah will come. No one ever received a paper that read, “Mark it on your calendar! On this and this day, you’re going to get engaged!” Shidduchim is more similar to placing an order but not receiving an estimated delivery date. We sit patiently & wait & wait. And wait some more. Sometimes, it may seem like nothing is happening. As a result, we may then start feeling antsy & anxious. “Why can’t it just happen already?” we wonder. This is where Bitachon comes into play. Of course, we all have Emunah & trust that Hashem has a plan for us, but at the same time, we just wish we could experience our yeshuah. Bitachon means not just knowing on a logical level but feeling it on an emotional level as well. Although we may think that we’re in control of our shidduch, really, it’s all in Hashem’s hands. Sometimes, all we need is a reminder that it’s not up to us.

Recently, I was at a family event, & an acquaintance came over to me & remarked, “What’s gonna be with you? What’s gonna be?” She then proceeded to tell me her reasoning as to why I was still single. (One day, we singles should publish a book with all the lovely comments that have come our way. For some reason, when it comes to shidduchim, people think they can give us all their calculations & opinions as to why we are still single. Yet those same people wouldn’t dare comment to a couple waiting for children, “Why don’t you try harder?” or “Did you go to this & this doctor yet?” When it comes to singles, people assume that it's okay to perform “autopsies” on us, but that’s a separate issue to be discussed another time.) At first, I shrugged off this woman's comment & consoled myself by saying that this person is just blunt & rude. But her words did make a dent, & deep down, I was hurt. I repeated her comment to one of my close friends, & remarked, “You know! This lady is right. What is gonna be? Really! I’ve been in this stage for a while already, & sometimes it really gets to me!” To which my friend responded, “It’s not up to you! It’s not in your control! Can you control the weather? So you can’t control this either! This is where Emunah comes in.”

Sometimes, all you need is someone to put things into perspective, & remind you who is calling the shots! When we take Hashem out of the picture, & think that we are controlling our situation, that’s precisely when the anxiety starts creeping in. But when we remember that Hashem is fully aware of our situation, He didn’t ch’’v forget about us, & is constantly working on shidduchim, we can “bear the pain.” He knows exactly what we need.

Recently, one of my preschool students asked if I would be serving chocolate milk with the lunch. I didn’t have a bottle of chocolate milk in the classroom, but I did have chocolate syrup & plain milk. So I told the class, “Today we will have chocolate milk with our lunch! Come line up so you can get!” My students quickly lined up, eagerly awaiting their cup of chocolate milk. My student, Shaindy ended up at the end of the line, & by the time I reached her, the milk needed another “dose” of chocolate syrup. And so I proceeded to squirt some in, & then give the milk bottle a number of shakes. However, Shaindy, who had been waiting for her cup of chocolate milk all this time, was growing anxious. All she could see was me shaking a bottle of milk back & forth, over & over again. “Morah!” She whimpered, “I want chocolate milk!” To which I responded, “I’m getting it ready for you, see? The syrup isn’t mixed into the milk yet! I need to shake it a bit more!”

Suddenly, it hit me. We are the same way, & do the same thing! We ask & beg Hashem for what we want & when we don’t get what we want right away, we grow anxious, & start questioning. “Hashem! Where’s my "chocolate milk?” How come other people got and I didn’t? I’m waiting, too!” And Hashem looks at us with a smile & says, “I’m getting it ready for you! Don’t worry! Right now, it’s not the right time! But just trust me! I did not forget about you! I have everything all planned out!”

One day, each of us will receive our own “chocolate milk.” If we can just bear this in mind, we will feel so much calmer & more relaxed. Then the wait will be that much easier to handle.