#33- Dealing With the Marrieds-Awkwardness?

Did this ever happen to you? You're going shopping or are in some other public place and bump into a former classmate or grademate who is married. You smile and say hello, and one of three things happens:

A) Classmate smiles, and you both chap a good shmooze.

B) Classmate smiles uncomfortably, and you can almost feel the awkwardness.

C) Classmate acts like she doesn't know you from Adam or "suddenly" gets intrigued with something as far from you as possible.

If you're nodding your head, you'll know what I mean when I say that interpersonal relationships as a single can be sticky and sometimes downright awkward (and hurtful, but that's for another time.)

When my high school friends got married, I struggled a lot with this. Suddenly, we didn't have much in common anymore, and I remember feeling like the cliché “elephant in the room.”

Now that I'm older and wiser;) I'd like to share what worked and continues to work for me.

Interestingly, I've found that the way I interact with my friends affects the way my friends interact with me. If I'm okay with my single status, my friends will pick up on my vibes and won't act awkward around me. If I feel awkward and uncomfortable without having to say a word, those around me sense it and will, in kind, act awkward around me—not exactly what I want.

I'm reminded of the time several years ago when a bunch of my married high school friends and I had a Chanukah get-together party. All my friends were newly married; I was the only single friend. I recall how awkward I felt; my friends definitely picked up on my vibes! As we schmoozed, the conversation turned to easy supper ideas, who is the best OBGYN, etc., and I didn’t know where to put myself. I remember just sitting there thinking,

“I feel so dumb; I literally have nothing to add to this conversation! This is so awkward!”

B”H one of my friends realized and thankfully switched the conversation to something applicable to me. However, I now realize that that encounter could have turned out so differently had I known what I now know.

I want to pause for a moment to address the awkward feelings a single may experience.

It's essential to tune in to this awkwardness and explore where it may be coming from.

Why are those feelings there in the first place? Are you internally telling yourself messages that may be causing you to experience feelings of awkwardness?

Many of us singles feel like we are “less than” our married friends. We, therefore, often have thoughts such as, “There must be something wrong with me if I’m still around,” or “I’m flawed and less than,” or “Others are better than I am. That’s why I'm still single while everyone else is married.” These thoughts cause us to view ourselves as not enough or as a nebach, which can really crush our self-esteem. To get out of this destructive mindset, we need to change the way we view our circumstances. We are not an extension of our challenge; it's separate from our identity. For me personally, changing how I viewed my circumstances meant stopping to see myself as "the single who needs a shidduch" to see myself as an accomplished person who also needs a shidduch. A small but powerful reframe!

Subscribing to this mindset changes the way we view ourselves, which then reframes the way we view our circumstances. Hashem put us here because this is how He wanted things to be. Tell yourself, “This is something that's out of my control and is designed by Hashem. Being single doesn’t make me less than.” (and really internalize it.) Doing so will save your self-esteem and will help you accept your circumstances. Once you do this, your interactions with the "marrieds" in your life will be completely different.

Returning to my story about the Chanukah party, the awkwardness I was experiencing resulted from feeling inadequate. My feelings were then transferred and picked up by everyone in the room, which only added to my feelings of inadequateness.

Today, as a result of the tool mentioned above, I am comfortable and at ease when talking with my married friends, and not surprisingly, my friends responded in kind. The awkwardness is gone, and as a bonus, our relationship is on a much deeper level. *

To recap: We started this segment by stating three reactions you may get when meeting married classmates/grademates.

A) Classmate smiles, and you both chap a good shmooze.

B) Classmate smiles uncomfortably, and you can almost feel the awkwardness in the air.

C) Classmate acts like she doesn't know you from Adam or "suddenly" gets intrigued with something as far from you as possible.

Hopefully, option A will occur, but if option B happens, it's important first to ask yourself,

"Am I feeling inadequate now?" If yes, why? If the answer is no, great! Those feelings of awkwardness you sense may actually be coming from "classmate" and are being transferred to you. If option C occurs, after you get over the initial feelings of hurt, realize that your classmate's behavior reflects her insecurities and has nothing to do with you. Reframing our challenge as separate from ourselves is such a powerful tool. It allows us to retain our self-esteem and accept our circumstances. As the saying goes, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!”

*(What I find works for me is to share some of what's going on in my life and then let my married friends talk a bit about what's happening in theirs. I'm okay with my friends telling me about their newest supper recipe, their child's latest antic, or the vacation they went on with their husband, as long as it's in moderation. I also find that how I want to be treated by my married friends changes daily. Sometimes, I love hearing what’s going on in my married friends’ lives- How their kids are doing, the gourmet supper they made, the vacation they’re going on with their husband… but sometimes, it’s just too much. It has a lot to do with what is going on in my personal life. It's the same with comments. Sometimes, someone can comment, and I’ll be totally fine; other times, I'll get the exact comment a day later, and It’ll rub me the wrong way. Once again, I find that how I react to comments varies daily, depending on my mood and circumstances.

I will also add here that it does take a certain level of maturity for both the married and single friend to realize that even though they’re both in different stages, there are things they have in common, and they can still be friends.)