#34 JHMM

The parsha of shidduchim is very challenging from many standpoints, and the process really takes a toll on one emotionally. Today’s segment differs slightly from the others I’ve sent out. In today’s segment, I’ll be discussing things that I personally have found to be helpful on an emotional level in dealing with the stress and anxiety that come along with the stage of shidduchim.

I’ve actually made my ideas into an acronym so that you can remember them, and they are: JHMM or Just Have More Menucha!

J- Journaling. This is probably one of the most powerful tools when dealing with all of my emotions, both before, during, and after dating.

I find that I am such a wreck at those times, and just writing down all my feelings helps clear my mind and calms me. Having a journal is so therapeutic- you can write down anything and everything completely uncensored. Your journal is non-judgmental, won’t give you unsolicited advice, and will keep everything you write private. (Just make sure to title the journal with a really boring title; you don’t want curious family members peeking inside!!) Journaling is something that has helped me tremendously in this parsha. As an aside, it is interesting now to look back at my first journal (Yes, I finished a couple) and see how, in certain ways, I have grown from this challenge.

H- Humor and Happiness. Don’t underestimate the power of humor! Humor can accomplish worlds! Try to look at the humorous side of things as much as possible and just turn things into a joke. Laughter is the best medicine, as they say. When something stressful comes up, try to see how you can turn the situation into a humorous one and then, laugh.

H also stands for: Doing things that make you feel happy. Shidduchim is hard enough as is, and I find that sometimes, letting my guard down just a bit is very healthy. Those in shidduchim put so much pressure on themselves, and I feel it’s important for singles to realize that letting yourself loose is sometimes important.

So, for me personally, I find that things that make me happy are things that make me feel like I’m five years old again😉

Recently, while on vacation with a friend, I went window shopping by this small mall type of thing and passed this toy store with really cute toys. I went inside (yes, really), and should I be embarrassed to say that I had so much fun? There’s something so therapeutic about oohing and aahing over plush Corduroys, Curious Georges, and Frogs ‘n Toads and looking at adorable erasers, putty, and key chains!

The lady behind the counter thought I was off the deep end (maybe I am), but I didn’t care. The store was full of non-Jews, no shadchanim or anyone I knew; how would anyone find out? (Well, now I just revealed my little secret😄 )

I did buy something (For those of you who are curious enough to know what it was, it’s a dog marionette; I LOVE dogs! I hope I didn’t just lose all my friends, lol!), and as the lady handed me my bag, she smiled and said, “Enjoy your new toy!” as my face turned various shades of crimson. I guess I didn’t do such a good job at disguising who the toy was for! But I had fun, so it was worth it!) Now, I’m not advising everyone to go into their local toy store and start hugging Elmo’s and Cookie Monsters, although if you’d like to, be my guest! I’m just trying to make a point here that it’s important for singles to let loose at times and not be so hard on themselves. For me, that means going into a toy store or Claires, etc., or gasp! eating donuts/ice cream. (Some people just never grow up!)

M- Music. The power of music is unreal. You can be in such a bad mood, and suddenly, with the press of a button, your entire mood can change! For me personally, music is my breakfast, lunch, and supper. It goes on right from when I get up in the morning until right before I fall asleep in bed. When you listen to music, make sure to sing along, and if you really have spunk, get up and do an impromptu dance; it’s such fun! Exercise is so healthy, both from a physical standpoint and an emotional one, and singing and dancing are great stress relievers.

M- Mindfulness. Mindfulness is trending nowadays, and for good reason. It’s a pretty simple process, but the results speak for themselves. Reduced stress, anxiety, depression, what more can one ask for?

There are two parts to mindfulness.

A) The first part of mindfulness requires you to focus intensely on using your five senses to process what is happening around you. For example, three things you hear, three things you smell, three things you feel, etc. This helps bring you into the present moment and thereby reduces stress and anxiety.

B) The second part of mindfulness focuses on one’s emotional state. How are you feeling right now? Anxious? Down? Then, instead of pushing aside those feelings, which will only increase those feelings, make space for them. So, for instance, if you’re feeling very anxious, instead of beating yourself up and saying, “What am I so nervous about? It’ll be fine!”

Don’t deprive yourself; instead, tell yourself why it makes sense that you’re worried. Then, let yourself experience those feelings. Feel which part of your body you are feeling that sensation in. Is it your stomach? Heart?… Once you've done this, you can tell yourself that you made space for this emotion, experienced it, and are now you’re ready to move on.

This is important since pushing aside your emotions or dwelling too deeply on your feelings are both unhealthy coping mechanisms when dealing with emotional pain.

Mindfulness helps you get in touch with your feelings by not ignoring your body’s messages and then enables you to process those feelings by not getting stuck in them. This thereby reduces stress and feelings of anxiety and depression.

Doing these things Just make me Have More Menucha:)

I hope that by sharing these tips, you came away with some ideas to make your journey a little easier!

*If you have your own ideas, please share them with me; I’d love to hear!

(All responses will be kept confidential; it’s just for me. Thanks!)