#39- A Tool for Triggers (Succos)

The stage of shidduchim can be compared to a balloon. As singles, we try so hard to stay upbeat and positive. We do chessed, use our extra time wisely, and try to keep growing spiritually, all while balancing our single status. We really try to fill our balloon. And then, all it takes is one little prick. Suddenly, woosh… All the air comes out of us, and we are left feeling utterly deflated. I personally find that A) The timing of “getting popped” has a lot to do with what is going on in my personal life, and B) It’s actually the little unexpected things that “pop me”- trigger me the most.

Case in point: About a month ago, I went with a close friend to the mall. We both had the morning off and needed clothing. It seemed like the perfect opportunity- spend time together and get clothes!! Did I mention that this friend is married? Okay, I think you get where this is heading. I was very excited as we pulled into the parking lot. This would be so much fun! We were walking past the baby clothes section when it happened. “Oh, I could use some extra socks for my baby!” said married friend. “And a few pairs of leggings. Oh, and I’m actually looking for bibs if you happen to see any.” Married friend hastily pulled a few pairs of socks off the rack. I found her some bibs. We then continued to the Women’s clothing section. An hour and a half later, our excursion had to be cut short as my friend had to pick up her kids from school, but BH, we both left the store with full bags. I, however, also left with a flood of emotions inside. My thought process went something like this.

“Hello, she was just passing by and remembered that she needed some baby stuff. If you were in her place, you would’ve done the exact same thing. Stop being so sensitive!”

“Come on! You’re jealous of married friend for buying socks and bibs for her baby? Grow up! Your time will also come!”

“You feel hurt? Do you realize how sensitive married friend is? She came here last week with an acquaintance of hers to go shopping for her kids. She didn’t go with you cause she knew you’d be uncomfortable. Don’t be hurt!”

What was wrong with this mindset was that I was thinking with an all-or-nothing approach. I’m either totally strong and happy or totally weak and depressed. There were (and are) two problems with this mindset: A) It's completely false, and B), in actuality, is an impossible standard to live by! By being so hard on myself, I thought that I would lessen my hurt feelings, but in actuality, I was making them stronger.

I feel that so many of us have a similar mindset. We tell ourselves that we must always have that smile on our faces; we must always be happy. And when we get triggered, very often, we beat ourselves up about it. “Come on! Get over it. There’s so much going on in the world! Stop getting caught up over a stupid comment that someone made!...”

By thinking along these lines, we only intensify our pain.

I once read a great line in a book, “If we would speak to others the way we speak to ourselves, we’d have no friends!” Totally brilliant!

It was only hours later, when I gave myself the grace of being human, that I was able to come to the root of what was bothering me. And that is that, at this point, our lives are so different. Married friend is buying clothing for her kids; I’m only buying clothes for myself. Married friend goes home to her kids and husband; I don’t. Even though we are so close, at the end of the day, our lives are so different.

(Generally, such an incident I’d be able to shrug off. This friend really hadn’t done anything wrong. The reason why I was triggered by this incident was due to something that I had just gone through that left me feeling rather vulnerable. This incident only served as a reminder of what I was really hoping and waiting for.)

In retrospect, there are two tools that really would have helped me.

1) Mindfulness- Being mindful of my jumbled emotions and embracing them all with compassion would have been incredibly helpful. Had I allowed myself to feel my emotions without fighting them, understood why it made sense that I was feeling the way I was, and treated myself with compassion, I would have actually dissipated my negative feelings. By trying to suffocate my emotions, I had only intensified them.

2) Prepare beforehand- It would’ve been tremendously helpful if, before I went to the mall, I would’ve visualized all the possible triggers that may come up. This way, I could’ve prepared myself mentally beforehand instead of getting caught off guard and then feeling hurt afterward. Even a thought as basic as, “Well, I know that we made up to go shopping for ourselves, but it’s likely that if married friend sees something for her kids, she’ll get it,” would’ve helped. By just thinking of your triggers, you actually make them have less power over you.

I recently started implementing this tool in many situations that I find myself in. I review in my head all possible triggers that I can think of, and even if I can’t think of a solution to the trigger, just the fact that I thought about it is such a game changer. Don’t believe that it works? Try it for yourself!

This brings me to Succos and Yomim Tovim in general.

Yom Tov is a wonderful time. Getting together with family and friends for an extended period of time can be really special. However, as a single, yomim tovim definitely come with their share of challenges and triggers. Succos can be particularly hard. Firstly, Succos itself is a yom tov that's very much geared to men. It’s also a long yom tov. There is Chol HaMoed. And Simchas Torah.

Therefore, if you make the time to go over your potential triggers, you will probably come into and experience yom tov in a much calmer state. And then, if and when you do get triggered, deal compassionately with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Instead, tell yourself, “This challenge is difficult. It does hurt sometimes. I’m not a Saint! Most of the time, I am upbeat and positive! But sometimes, my single status does get to me. And that’s OKAY!”

Doing so will allow you to experience inner compassion for yourself, which will lead you to have an inner calmness that enables you to fully experience the beauty of yom tov spent in the presence of family and friends.

Wishing all, a beautiful, uplifting YT!