#43- Your Conflicting Feelings & DBT

We are now deep in the midst of wedding season, so I thought it would be worth sharing a very helpful tool I read about in the Mishpacha magazine.

This idea is actually taken from the therapy world, and it’s a core concept of a famous therapy modality called DBT.

DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, stands on the premise of the Dialectic. A dialectic is defined as “Two apparently contradictory situations or concepts that can actually exist together.” In other words, it’s possible to feel two conflicting emotions at once & recognize that both emotions are completely true.

As a single, there are so many situations where we feel mixed feelings.

A close friend gets engaged. A good friend has another baby. A relative much younger than us gets married.

Excitement and sadness. Pain and Joy. Happiness and loneliness.

DBT recognizes these seemingly conflicting feelings and makes space for both of them.

Here are some examples of where DBT is implemented:

A close friend gets engaged while you haven’t gone out in a while. You can be so full of excitement and joy for this friend while simultaneously wish that you could move on. Applying DBT to this situation would mean you recognize that both feelings are legitimate and are actually healthy for you to feel.

Another example: A close friend has another baby, while it seems like the world has forgotten about you. Using the Dialectical approach, you can feel intense happiness for this friend while at the same time feel acute loneliness and pain for yourself.

This concept applies not only to specific situations in single life but also to how one feels about her single status in general. You can feel both pain and gratitude, sadness and happiness, freedom and loneliness. You may feel grateful for certain aspects of your single status while at the same time yearn to build a family. You can enjoy the freedom of having fewer obligations while at the same time wish you had more of them.

Applying this tool allows one to feel balanced and gives one the validation they deserve and the push to keep trying.

Shutting off either end of the emotional range is unhealthy. For instance, if one feels completely happy and okay with their single status, why would they feel the need to get married? On the other end of the spectrum, if one is constantly complaining and brooding over their single status, who would want to marry them?

Making room in our hearts for these conflicting feelings is essential for going through this stage with the proper frame of mind. DBT recognizes that both feelings have their place, both feelings are normal, and both feelings are actually healthy for us to experience!

Using this tool can help one approach emotion-laden situations, such as weddings, etc., with both self-compassion and hope.