#45 Your Disability is Your Ability

Medical issues. A family situation. Lack of money. Poor school choice.

Many singles believe that because of a perceived stigma or “baggage,” they’ll never find their bashert. For some, the “baggage” can be a past issue, and for others, the issue is still pressing. Singles who find themselves in such a situation feel stuck and trapped with no way out.

About a year ago, Rabbi Elazar Meisels gave an amazing class on this topic; I’d like to share his remarks.

“Nearly fifteen years ago, I gave a lecture at a seminary. After I finished speaking, a student came over to me. This girl realized that I had once lived in the same out-of-town community where she currently lived. She figured I knew her family and wanted to know if I could help her with shidduchim after she returned from seminary. Of course, I knew this girl’s family; she lived in a small OOT community, after all. However, that wasn’t the only reason why I knew her family. Unfortunately, one of her parents had done something that brought terrible shame to the entire family. And in a small OOT community, when such a thing happens, everyone finds out; the family is tainted forever.

It was quite clear to me that this girl had suffered greatly as a result of what had happened.

I told the girl to be in touch with me after seminary. A couple of years later, I got a phone call from this girl. She related that shidduchim is going terribly for her. She’s not being redd anything substantial and can’t even receive a yes from a boy. The stigma associated with her family is so great no one wants to go near her. I didn’t have much to say. I’m not a shadchan; I don’t know boys. So I tried to give her some chizzuk. I told her, ‘Hashem knows about you and cares about you. He has a boy set aside for you. One day, we’ll celebrate your engagement, and this whole parsha will be behind you! Just stay strong and understand that Hashem has someone special for you.’ It wasn’t much, but there was little more I could offer. This girl spoke to me on a few occasions, and each time, I would try to encourage her to stay strong and believe that Hashem has a great boy set aside for her.

Years later, I got a phone call from this girl. ‘Rabbi Meisels! I get a mazel tov; I’m engaged!!’

After giving her a big mazel tov, I asked her to please tell me how her shidduch came about. She then proceeded to explain the most unbelievable story.

“Someone mentioned my name as a possible match for a really wonderful, solid boy.

The boy was actually interested, but his parents said, ‘No way! We will never allow our son to go out with a girl from such a family! We don’t want to be involved with a family name that we have to hang our heads in shame from. Forget the idea! Not happening.’ So, this boy moved on and went out with all types of girls. But after each date, he had the same response. “She’s too wet behind the ears. I need someone who is mature and knows what life is all about.” This went on for quite some time. One day, this boy approached his parents and said, ‘I’ve had enough of all these girls! I need someone mature, someone who has depth. I’m a deep thinker. I’ve had some challenges of my own in yeshiva, and I need someone who is authentic and real. Many of these girls follow the script but don’t really mean it. Remember that girl who was redd to me a couple of years ago? Why don’t we look into her?’

And his parents said, ‘Oh no! We’re not going there.’ To which he responded, ‘You know. The reason why you’re not interested in this girl is because of what she went through. But that’s exactly why I‘m interested! When we looked into this girl, we heard beautiful information. We heard that she’s really mature and thoughtful. She’s been through life. And if she came out of her challenges like this, that’s what I’m looking for. I know that whatever challenges will come up in married life, she’ll make it through.’

“Well, Rabbi Meisels, his parents finally gave in, and now we are engaged! Exactly what I had thought was my biggest disability is the exact reason why my chosson was interested in me. He values and appreciates me so much, specifically because of this “disability!” In retrospect, that which I thought was my biggest disability is really my ability!’”

Shidduchim can be compared to a puzzle. A puzzle has all sorts of pieces. Some are middle pieces, and some are corner pieces. Corner pieces can only go in a corner, but they still have a piece that connects to them. Same with shidduchim. Some singles may feel like their circumstances are preventing them from getting married. However, even “corner pieces” have a match. Your “baggage” is, in actuality, your filter filtering out all the wrong "matches."

Chazal say that forty days before a person is conceived, a Heavenly voice declares whom that person is destined to marry. This statement applies to everyone, no matter what the “baggage” is. There is someone out there who will not mind the baggage or the stigma.

When the right time and the right shidduch do come, no individual or set of circumstances can ever get in the way.