#49-Single and Having an Identity Crisis- Part I

Today, I’m writing about a topic that has been on my mind for quite a while. The reason I haven’t brought it up until now is because the topic is a heavy and sensitive one. Nonetheless, I think it’s a topic many can relate to, so I’m taking the risk.

Just a disclaimer before we start:

The point of this series is to create awareness and to provide validation.

I ch”v do not mean to judge anyone in any way, and I really hope that no one takes it as such!! What you’ll be reading in this series are my observations. Additionally, this series is based on a class given by Rabbi Elazar Meisels (How to Stay Strong While Being Single, 5/29/22). I’m dividing the topic into a couple of segments so it won’t be as heavy.

With that said, let’s dive in.

Over the years, I’ve noticed the following scenario.

There are two friends who, during high school/seminary, were on the same page hashkafically. After they both graduated and started working, they still seemed to be on the same page. A couple of years later, one friend is married with a few kids, while the other is still single. And suddenly, these two friends who in high school seemed to be so similar hashkafically are no longer holding on the same page. The married friend is more to the right, while the single friend is more to the left—ie-lax, open-minded. I’ve often wondered why this scenario is so common. (This is not always the case, but often enough it is.) I think there are many reasons why this may be the case. I’ll get to some of them today; we’ll continue with more on this topic next time iyH.

1.The first reason why this may happen is because once one graduates and leaves the sheltered school environment, one is no longer surrounded by teachers and constant inspiration. It’s much harder to stay strong and hold onto one’s values as the outside world pulls ever stronger.

2. When someone is married, they’re grounded by their spouse. Both the husband and the wife ground each other. This can be explained with the following analogy. Imagine a tent that is secured tightly to the ground. When a strong wind blows, what keeps the tent from flying away? The pegs attached to the tent stuck in the ground.

In a marriage, the couple's hashkafos are like the tent. Each spouse is like one of the pegs that hold the tent securely in place. When the “wind” blows, what keeps the tent from blowing away are the “pegs.” A single, on the other hand, may feel like a tent with only one peg attached. When the “wind” blows, it’s much harder to remain strong, solid, and true to one’s values.

3. Many singles feel like they don’t have a place in society. Because the reality is that, unfortunately, Frum life is not built for singles. Family is a value that is very much stressed in the Frum world, which is wonderful unless you’re not yet blessed with a husband of your own. This contributes to feelings of loneliness that are only compounded if someone is in shidduchim for a while and most/ all of their friends are married. And loneliness can be the start of a downward spiral. Many singles start questioning themselves and start trying to figure themselves out. Where’s my place in society? Where do I belong? This can lead to one questioning one's values, hashkafos, and even one's sense of self.

In next week’s segment, we’ll expand more on this topic.

Stay tuned!