#50-Single and Having an Identity Crisis- Part II

In the last segment, we talked about some reasons why singles may experience an “identity crisis.” To recap, the three reasons discussed in the previous segment were:

1- Leaving the sheltered school environment.

2- Feeling like there is no one and nothing to ground you-(analogy of a tent.)

3- Feeling out of place in Frum society.

We ended by saying that these variables contribute to feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is often the start of the identity crisis or the "questioning yourself" phase, which can then lead to a downward spiral.

Today, we will discuss why loneliness may lead to an identity crisis.

I think loneliness is the most common feeling felt by all singles, regardless of age or dating history. It’s probably the most common feeling singles have shared with me on this platform, and it’s something that I struggle with myself.

In addition to the loneliness piece, here are some of the other challenges faced by those in the Parsha.

A) There are the comments that we get from “well-meaning individuals” who just “want to see us get married.” “You’re too picky, too quiet, too intense... You need to lose weight, find a better job, get a degree, dress trendier, etc.” In his speech on this topic, Rabbi Meisels called this “performing autopsies on singles.”👌💯 For some reason, when it comes to singles, people feel like they can dissect us.

I got my own “autopsy” a couple of months ago. “What’s going to be with you?” said “well-meaning" individual. “You need to do something about your hair.” Just to explain, I can probably win the Guinness World Record for having the most hard-to-manage hair. It’s super frizzy and super, super thick. Over the years, I’ve tried countless hair products, gels, leave-ins, etc. By now, I can probably open up a small beauty store. 😉 Additionally, I’ve gotten over ten straightenings; I’m grateful that they exist, but at this point, I’m feeling kind of burnt out, pardon the pun! (At my last straightening, I asked the non-Jewish stylist if my hair was the most difficult hair that she’s ever worked with. She paused politely and then replied, “Well, you’re probably from my top five!” Thanks, girl!! At least you validated my kvetching!!)

But jokes aside, the comment from “well-meaning" individual stung because This Is My Hair!! I can’t change it, no matter how much it annoys me! And I’ve tried everything! And I’m no Navi, but I can guarantee that my hair is not the reason why I’m still single! (Thanks for listening to my venting;))

B) Then there is the meeting with shadchanim piece. Don’t get me started on that one! While there are many wonderful shadchonim, some seem to forget that the single meeting with them is a human being who has feelings! Please! Tread carefully!

I still remember one shadchan whom I met a couple of years ago. After playing phone tag for a few weeks, she finally set up a meeting with me. After I told her what I was looking for at the meeting and got up to leave, she folded my resume, put it into a drawer in front of my face, and then said, “If I think of anyone, I’ll let you know!” I remember thinking, “Thanks for folding me up and putting me into a drawer! I know I’ll never be hearing from you again!”

(I didn't.)

Then there was the shadchan who asked for my picture. When she was asked by my mother if the picture was just for her, she replied, “Why? Is your daughter heavy?” “No, lady,” I wanted to shout into the phone. “I’m just not interested in Chaim Shmerel studying my nose and deciding I need a nose job. Or Yaakov Zalmen commenting, 'I think one of her teeth is not perfectly symmetrical. That one on the left is 15 degrees higher than that one on the right!'” (LOL, imagine that! 🤣🤣Just had to throw in some humor to lighten things up a bit!) But jokes aside, I think shidduch pictures are the biggest stupidity and should not be used to determine if someone will make a good spouse.

C) Then there is the actual shidduch parsha itself. The Yetzer Hara makes us crazy to meet with every shadchan and dating coach and be on every Singles platform. We need to dress a certain way and talk a certain way… He also convinces us that we didn’t get married because we went to the wrong seminary, were born into the wrong family, etc.

D) Lastly, there is the rejection piece, which is so painful and emotionally draining.

Going through the Shidduch Parsha can feel like going through a washing machine. We’re turned and twisted in every direction till we feel like we have nothing of ourselves left. Shidduchim can literally make us feel like we were robbed of our self-esteem and dignity, even our very identity.

When you add the comments we get and the rejections and experiences we go through, it makes sense that we feel very vulnerable. Unfortunately, when we go through these experiences repeatedly, we may say, “If I were such a catch, then I would’ve been grabbed up already.” It is then that we may start doubting our values and even our very selves.

Now that we’ve developed an understanding as to why this identity crisis may occur, we can move forward and talk about ways to prevent a downward spiral from either spiraling further or from spiraling in the first place.

That’s the topic of next week’s segment. Stay tuned!