#51-Single and Having an Identity Crisis- Part III

In the last two segments, we discussed some reasons why singles may experience an identity crisis. Now that we’ve fleshed it out, we’re ready to move on to the next level: Solutions and strategies to stay strong.

The first is an idea I’ve discussed before, but it’s worth mentioning again.

1. When we graduate, we often plan in our minds exactly how we want our lives to look. When we should be married, what number kid we should be on... There are two problems with this outlook.

A) Life doesn’t always pan out as expected. If we reach the point where we thought it should’ve happened but are still single, we start panicking. This is not good for our mental and emotional health.

B) With this attitude, we enter a holding pattern, waiting for life to begin. These holding patterns end up limiting us. We think we can only accomplish certain tasks once life settles down and we are married.

Rabbi Elazar Meisels shared a personal story in one of his classes that connects perfectly to this point.

Rabbi Meisels and his wife were not blessed with children immediately after marriage. They had to wait 2 or 3 years. Living next door to them was another couple who had gotten married around the same time the Meisels had. The two couples shared a lot of common ground; Rabbi Meisels was chavrusahs with the husband, and their wives were friends. Additionally, they both were waiting for children. One day, this neighbor’s wife told Mrs. Meisels how difficult this challenge was for her. She then said, “You and your husband seem so upbeat. How do you do it? What’s your secret?” To which Mrs. Meisels replied, “For whatever reason, Hashem decided that it should not happen right away for us. So I made up my mind that until that baby is born, I’m going to enjoy myself and make the best of this situation. I’m not waiting for real life to begin. Because it has already.” Rabbi Meisels shared that this attitude is what kept him going through the years. (He BH was blessed with children a couple of years later, and so was the other couple.) “Looking back,” said Rabbi Meisels, “those years were the best years of my life. I enjoyed myself and didn’t allow myself to get depressed or anxious. I knew that it was just a detour. I enjoyed a great Shanah Rishonas!

Every challenge in life,” continued Rabbi Meisels, “comes with incredible opportunities. Singlehood is no exception. There are incredible skills and opportunities to be gained. For instance, emotional maturity, independence… Skills and hobbies can be developed.”

Which leads to,

2. What do you want to remember when you look back at these years?

Most singles have extra time on their hands. Having too much time generally doesn’t lead to good things. It’s an excellent recipe for a depression and anxiety cocktail. Rabbi Meisels says that all singles should create a “Singlehood Plan.” Just like you would never go on vacation without first figuring out your flight, car rental, hotel, and attractions, do the same now in this stage. Plan your goals. Ask yourself what you are going to do with this extra time. There are so many incredible ways to use it! Develop a hobby, volunteer, focus on your career, get a good job, work on a degree.

(*Just remember to pamper yourself as well! From a financial standpoint, there are many more options for singles that will not be so feasible once you are married. Vacationing, splurging on something pretty, eating out, etc. Shidduchim is hard, and you DO deserve some self-care. Self-care isn’t selfish; it is essential for one's physical, mental, and spiritual health.)

And what happens if you get engaged in the middle of your singlehood plan? I think that’s something you’d be able to deal with! So take advantage of these years and set yourself up for success. Ask yourself, “When I look back at these years, what do I want to remember? Do I want to recall how challenging these years were, or do I want to look back and recall the pain but admire how I transformed it into something I’m proud of?”

3. Lastly, make sure to focus on all the good that you have and all the good that you are. You are so much more than a single who needs a shidduch. There is so much more to you!

Spiritual Piece/ Solutions

A. From a spiritual standpoint, Tefillah is our greatest strategy. Besides davening for our yeshuah, we should also daven that Hashem should give us the strength to go through this experience and grow through it. Davening that we should always feel His presence, even when it’s hard to see, is also a beautiful idea.

B. It’s essential to listen to speeches/shiurim, etc., even if you “aren’t the type.” Because once you’re out of school, no one will give you parsha or hashkafah classes. You will only hear these things if you take the time to listen on your own. My personal favorite is TorahAnytime. There are so many classes given by an array of speakers on all different topics. Some lighter, some heavier.

I’d like to end this series with a beautiful thought said over by Rabbi Elimelech Biderman shlita. Imagine every challenge as a boulder. The boulder can either go on top of you and crush you, or it can go underneath you and lift you so that you stand higher than before. It is up to you to decide how you will use your boulder. Will it crush you? Or will it be a stepping stone that will get you further in life?

Wherever there is potential to get far, there is also the potential to get close.