#57- To Trust

I sit and wait for the phone to ring,

And wait,

And wait,

And wait some more.

"I’m not doing my hishtadlus,"

I think.

"I need to do something,

To make it happen."

So I reach out to a few shadchanim,

Remind them that I’m still around,

And meet a few more,

But the phone still doesn’t ring.

So I take on Kabalos,

Work on Tefillah,

Say Tehillim,

Involve myself in more chessed opportunities,

Start learning Hilchos Shmiras Halashon Yomi,

And wait,

And wait,

And wait some more,

Still nothing.

I get brachos from Gedolim,

Give more tzedakah,

Daven harder,

And sign up for segulah initiatives.

Still nothing.

This battle is becoming more challenging,

With each passing day.

“Hashem! I don’t understand!!

I’m trying SO hard!

What else do you want from me?”

Time moves along.

I listen to podcasts,

And attend workshops,

So I can navigate this road

With strength and dignity,

When one day,

Amidst all the turmoil and confusion,

I realize what I am missing,

TRUST.

One of the most difficult beliefs to implement.

Of course, I believe,

But do I really believe?

Or do I think

I am fully responsible

For finding my shidduch,

And that is why

I am exerting so much effort?

Maybe He doesn’t want me to do more,

I put in enough effort.

Maybe He wants me to step back

And say,

“Hashem, it’s you,

Not me.

I’m not the one finding my shidduch,

Although I’ve tricked myself into believing I am.

You are.

And You have a plan.”

But trust,

Is hard.

So hard.

Trust means believing in dawn,

When you’re trapped in midnight.

Trust means surfing waves,

When the sea is stormy.

Trust means tasting freedom,

When you’re feeling anxious.

Trust means

Believing there are no shortages,

When it seems like there is one.

Trust means watching the rain clouds roll in,

But not fear the impending storm.

Trust means holding on,

When it would be so much easier to let go.

Maybe all You want

From me

Hashem,

Is to trust.