#59-How to Survive Singlehood- From This Week’s Parshah

What would you say is of utmost importance during singlehood? Would you say it’s meeting Shadchanim? Strengthening your tefillos? Going on vacations often? Getting a great job? Dressing a certain way? While davening and meeting shadchanim is part of the hishtadlus we are obligated to engage in, the Torah offers us a piece of advice in this week’s parsha, Parshas Bereishis.

At the beginning of Parshas Bereishis, we learn how Hashem created the world. On Friday, Hashem created animals and Adam. Adam walked around and saw beautiful plants, breathtaking mountains, sparkling oceans, the seas, and animals. But Adam was lonely. All the living creatures had a partner, a mate; he was the only human being alive. And Hashem said, “Lo tov heyos haadam levado. Eseh lo ezer k'negdo.”

R’ Gershon Miller related something astounding. "The Torah never uses the words

"Lo tov-" not good. The only time the Torah uses the words "Lo tov" is here, in Parshas Breishis. We learn from this passuk the importance of having a social support system. If you have a support system, you can make it through any challenge in life. Without a support system? Impossible.”

I am sure many of you can relate to the feeling of loneliness brought on by singlehood. I noticed that, for me, my singleness (not sure if that’s a word, lol) and loneliness are most acute when I am not reaching out and receiving social support or when I am not surrounding myself with other singles who are going through the same challenge. (This is not to say that if I am at a singles event, I won’t feel lonely. It does mean that I won’t feel it as strongly.)

Therefore, it’s crucial to invest in a strong support system. Practically, this can be harder than

it sounds. We all lead busy lives, and many of us don’t have extra time to spare. But investing in a support system is the best thing you can do for yourself. It’s a form of self-care that can stave off burnout.

Some practical ideas:

· Join a program geared toward singles. Many cities offer programs that have activities or learning groups. (Lakewood, for instance, has Chavrusa Corner, Unite, Linkup Nook groups, and some other programs I’m likely unaware of. If you know of others, let me know!)

· Join a class at a gym- Besides the obvious physical and mental health benefits, another component to consider is the social connection exercise offers.

· Get together with friends- Yes, they can be married friends. As many of you wrote in Q and A #1, married friends can be an incredible support system if you keep the relationship balanced- i.e., both of you put in an equal ratio in the friendship, and you and your friend respect your differences.

Researchers discovered that oxytocin released through any type of social connectivity triggered the release of serotonin. In a chain reaction, the serotonin then activates the ‘reward circuitry’ of the nucleus accumbent, resulting in a happy feeling (Bergland, Psychology Today, 2020).”

· Therapy- Therapy is a tremendous service and resource. Therapists are trained to remain grounded and objective, which is incredibly helpful when you feel neither! They’re also incredibly validating and supportive. The stigma of going to therapy is fading, and society only has what to gain.

These are just some examples of resources that have worked for me and may also work for you. The difference they make speaks for themselves. Although we must engage in hishtadlus and daven and meet shadchanim, etc., the Torah reminds us that a support system is equally important.