Q and A #1- YT Afternoon Ideas

Questions on hot-button topics with Your Answers!

Q) Between my job and other responsibilities and my friends’ responsibilities to their husbands and kids, my married friends and I don’t have much time to catch up, never mind get together. YT affords me the opportunity to have time to get together with some of my married friends. I have always looked forward to these opportunities, that is, until recently. This past year, I found myself coming home from those visits feeling triggered, tired, and like a 3rd wheel.

Any tips or tricks on how to make these visits less trigger-some?

Should I stop visiting my married friends on YT?

Any other ideas for enjoyable activities to keep me occupied on the loooong YT afternoons? (Besides snacking;))

Your Answers!

· I would say for YT to keep yourself busy -READ:) Get all the magazines- a real life-saver.

I think you should definitely keep up with your married friends; it's very important, or else you'll get old and brittle. But only in a way that makes YOU happy. If you're not enjoying your time out, then try to think of something else you can do with your friend (like eating out, bowling, shopping, etc. but make a condition- no babies allowed;)

If your friend is really a good friend, then hopefully, she'll be able to be sensitive to your needs and make time for you on YOUR terms. It's definitely extremely frustrating to be at your friend, and the husband wants his wife, and all the babies are crying... – M.C.

· I go away for Yom Tov! Doesn't work for everybody but works great for me. There are other times in the year that I can choose to spend time with my married friends. -S.Y.

· Mentally prepare before you go, and come with prepared topics. Let your friends know the things that are going well for you; most friends are happy when we tell them about the vacations we do and the jewelry we buy. There are perks to being single, so focus on that. Just know that being single now doesn't mean you will have fewer years of marriage. Seeing my married friends gives me ideas to dream about. If you don't pity yourself, your friends won't either, so come with a positive attitude. – R.U.

· It's still nice to connect with old friends, but make sure it doesn't get too long. Rather, stay for an hour and end off on a happy note that you saw her, than end off as it gets awkward, or her attention is taken by her kids, etc.

Buy a new book, sefer, or game to enjoy over Y"T! (Any suggestions for a new game? :) Or plan a brachos party with neighbors or nieces/nephews in the sukkah!:) -Anonymous

· I would keep the visits short and try to steer the conversation to stuff you all enjoy talking about (Doesn’t always have to be about their kids, husband, and wigs;) – R.K.

· I generally don’t hang with the married crew on Chol Hamoed…can definitely see how that doesn’t always work well. :) If someone I enjoy is available, that works, or I spend time with family but often choose more adult company if possible and activities that are quiet, i.e., pedicures, massage, walking, etc. -A. T.

· Try to visit one married friend at a time- being the only single with more than one married usually ends up being that the conversations are not nogeia to you at all...

· Make a fun get-together with single friends.

· If you like to read, get yourself something new that you'll be excited about.

I would love tips for shul on Simchas Torah- For me, this is usually the hardest. :) - C.L

· Being that I have friends who are married with kids and a sister whom I am very close with, who also is married with kids, I can relate to this question. Personally, I try to keep in mind that when we do get together, that doesn't mean I will be a top priority because having a husband and kids is a top priority. In addition, I try to help them with their responsibilities as much as possible, which helps them have more time for their friends/family (this works especially well with my sister:)).

Helping them gives them a little more time to focus on catching up with me, and we can also relate to each other more when we are working together. For example, when I babysit for my sister in the evening so she can go out with her husband, she comes back refreshed, and then we get to have our girly time for an hour before I go back home. Otherwise, she would go to bed soon after her kids went to bed and be too tired to talk. Another example is helping out your friend with her kids at the park so she is not tied up with all of her kids and then can have some energy to multitask and put some of her focus on you.

Also, I find flexibility is key. Since I am not married, it may be easier for me to make the trip to see my friend as opposed to her coming to me, which then allows me to see her more. Or going to a kid-friendly place to hang out, while it might be less ideal, is good for her kids

and will allow us to still be able to chat. Keeping all this in mind, Yom Tov is definitely a hard time because you expect more. You expect more family time and more time with friends, and there isn't much else to do but hang out. Definitely including kids and husbands; while it helps because then your friend will have more time to be with you, I understand that it may make someone feel like a third wheel. While I'm not 100% sure there is anything to do other than trying hard not to take anything personally, I do think that trying to maximize the moments you do get to spend alone with your friend is key. Maximizing that time will help make the rest of the time, less triggering. For example, let's say your friend's husband went to shul and took the kids with him. Now your friend has some free time, but also, now that her kids aren't there, she wants to clean up and set the table for the next meal. Helping your friend and talking to her while both of you work together is amazing and will also help get

the job done faster so she can also have some time to sit and relax or take a nice stroll and dedicate a good few minutes to you before her kids and husband get back. -T.J.

Thank you for your response!

Looking forward to the next edition of Q & A !!